b.a#25
9 WAYS TO OVERCOME JEALOUSY
I know that the fastest way to despair is by comparing one’s
insides with another’s outsides, and that Max Ehrmann, the author of the
classic poem “Desiderata,” was absolutely correct when he said that if you
compare yourself with others you become either vain or bitter, or, as Helen
Keller put it: “Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more
fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority
of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.”
In relationships, this emotion is so pervasive and
instantaneous that people fail to take time, step back and evaluate it. It
breaks communication, compassion and damages relationships. I know that I have
been jealous and I am intimately aware of the impact it can have on a
relationship. When we are in a state of jealousy, we are operating in a state
of instinctual survival mode. We are acting out of scarcity. In this state, we
are irrational and the only thing we can think about is ourselves. We fail to
consider the feelings and impact of our behavior on other people. But when we
operate from a place of abundance, we unleash the human spirit, think
compassionately towards others. We can free ourselves from negative emotions.
I learned that my jealousy was very much driven from my
ego’s cry for attention. Deep down inside, I was just a little child, arms
wrapped around myself, scared and wanting to be loved.
The following are methods to help reduce and eliminate this
negative thought pattern:
1. 1.
Fully Experience the Feeling
By telling yourself not to feel jealous, you will never be
able to get out of it. “What we resist persists”. But if we bring awareness
into the equation and deeply understand the situation, we’ll start to eliminate
the negative emotions. Allow yourself to fully feel the feeling of jealousy. By
facing the emotion directly and fully experiencing it, you’ll see that the
feeling will start to diminish. I have also found this experience to work with
anger towards another, and fear of a situation.
Find a place alone where you won’t be disturbed. Close your
eyes, and start to feel the jealousy. Observe where that feeling is coming
from? How is it reflecting in your body? Does your throat feel tight? Is it
your stomach? Does your heart ache? Become the observer. It’s important to
fully allow the feeling to surface. Recognize that it isn’t you, but your ego’s
crave for attention in the name of survival. Keep observing, and in a few
seconds you’ll see that the feeling will slowly disperse. By practicing this,
“you can move beyond the ego’s perspective and see reality from the perspectiveof a higher consciousness.”
“To overcome jealousy, just see how the jealousy came into
your system, just analyze the sequence of thoughts and emotions in your system
and then undo it by reasoning out the whole process with your intelligence.”
– Swamiji Nithyananda
2. 2. Love Yourself
“If you don’t fully accept and love yourself as you are, you
could be more prone to comparing yourself to others as a way of artificially
boosting your feeling of self-worth.”
— Steve Pavlina
Self worth comes with self appreciation and love. People who
are truly comfortable and secure with themselves, rarely let jealousy get in
the way. Look within, spend time with yourself, get to know the real you.
Choose to focus on yourself, instead of the person you are jealous of. Use your
understanding of desires and your mind to change your perception. Know that you
have everything you need to be whole, happy and complete right inside of you.
Know that if you feel something is missing that you can have it, you can
achieve it.
3.
Stop Comparing
Nithyananda said,
“Comparison is the seed and jealousy is the fruit!”. Comparison leads to
jealousy, and both are mind-created states. “Our mind is so caught up in
comparison that it misses the actual quality of what it sees. We need to drop
the comparing attitude to be able to see things as they are.” (Nithyananda).
Start by appreciating the differences. See the benefits of you uniqueness.
It is helpful to be reminded that there is no end to
comparison, because there is no end to our expectations. Remember the last time
you fulfilled a desired goal? Or received something you wanted? What happened
to it 4 weeks later? Did you still appreciate it as much?
“Mind is that Illusion which shows a tiny mustard seed to be
a huge mountain until it is attained, and a mountain to be as insignificant as
a mustard seed once it has been attained!“
– Raman Maharshi
4.4. Find What’s Threatening You?
Ask yourself and
see what is it about yourself that you feel is being threatened? What are you
insecure about? What are you afraid to lose? What is it that you believe you
deserve? Once you understand what this is, decide to overcome this insecurity
with a rough plan. See how you can see the situation from a place of abundance
rather than scarcity?
5. Write It Out
I’ve always found it helpful to think on
paper. By writing down your thoughts, it gives you an opportunity to express
yourself, but also lays your options out clearly on paper. It’s like seeing the
city from an airplane, you have a clearer vision of the big-picture. Ask
yourself “Why do I feel this way?” Write out all your reasons out on paper.
Write without editing, jot down anything that comes to mind. You can organize
the information later. Once you have all your reasons, write beside each one
what you can do about it. Dig deep within yourself, find insight from your
uncertainty.
5 6.
Be Realistic – Ask yourself
Is the person really a threat to you? To your relationship?
To your business?
Is what you are feeling or doing creating any benefits for
anyone involved? If it doesn’t feel very good and it’s not helping you, then
does it make sense to continue feeling this way?
Is there a lesson I can learn here? What is the inspiration
I can gain from this situation?
6.7.
Find Your Strength
Focus on your
strengths and unique qualities. Feel gratitude for the gifts you have and
abilities that you are blessed with. Once you identify what they are, then
shift your focus.
8. Shift Your Focus
When we are feeling negative, it is sometimes difficult to
think rationally. We are so focused on the negative feeling that we lose the
big picture. Change your current emotional state by shifting your attention to
something completely different. Like go for a jog, or start doing the dishes.
Once you’ve cool down, come back to the situation with a clear and open mind.
9. “Is this what we want for ourselves?”
By feeling this way, we are giving this emotion our
attention, in the process we are attracting to us like situations and
perceptions for us to continue feeling this negative emotion. “What we sew is
what we reap”. If you were in their shoes, would you want the same? How do you
think the other person feel? Put yourself in their position. When I find
someone more successful in my field, I celebrate their success as if it was my
own, and I use their case as an example to model after.
